Thriving Through Tribulation

What is the relationship between flourishing and suffering?  Are these adversarial forces or do they have some kind of symbiotic existence?  There are multiple reasonable perspectives on the relationship between flourishing and suffering.  I want to propose that suffering can and should play an important role in our flourishing recipe and has significant benefits in our pursuit of happiness.  Most notably, I propose that suffering is critical in the development of resilience, growth, appreciation, motivation, sense of purpose, love, perspective, and patience.

In a recent Flourishing Network meeting, Dr. Chris Bertram and Dr. Sarah Sarkis asked an interesting question:

“How much are you willing to suffer for your flourishing?”

1 = I’ve suffered enough thank you … 5 = bring it on

The average response was 3.97.  This really got me thinking.  While I had been pitting suffering against flourishing, thinking of them more as opposites, my colleagues were more willing than not to suffer for their happiness.  Was some suffering necessary in the best recipes for flourishing?  While suffering and flourishing may seem contradictory at first, perhaps their relationship is more symbiotic than I thought. To explore this idea, I present to you six ways suffering might actually be integral to our flourishing and well-being.  As you read these, decide for yourself if any of them are convincing arguments for the importance of suffering in our pursuit of happiness.

Resilience and Growth: Suffering can sometimes lead to personal growth and resilience, which in turn contributes to flourishing. Adversity and challenges can develop our strengths, increase problem-solving skills, and deepen appreciation for life's positive aspects.

Contrast and Appreciation: Experiencing suffering can enhance one's ability to appreciate moments of flourishing. The contrast between hardship and joy can amplify the significance and value of positive experiences, leading to a deeper sense of gratitude and contentment during periods of well-being.

Motivation and Meaning: Suffering can motivate individuals to pursue actions and changes that lead to flourishing. It may inspire people to seek solutions, connect with others for support, or strive for personal development, ultimately contributing to a sense of purpose and fulfillment.  There is an old saying, “we make promises to pleasure but we respond to pain.”

Empathy and Connection: Shared experiences of suffering can foster empathy and compassion, strengthening social bonds and relationships. Through empathy, individuals can provide support and understanding to one another, promoting collective well-being and flourishing within communities.  Can love as we know it fully exist without hardship and compassion?

Existential Reflection: Suffering often prompts individuals to contemplate existential questions and seek deeper meaning in life. This introspection can lead to personal growth, spiritual development, and a greater sense of fulfillment and contribution.  The Buddha for example was so struck by the suffering of illness, old age, and death that he renounced his life as a prince and wandered into homelessness in search of a remedy. 

Delayed Gratification:  It is necessary to suffer to achieve difficult things. Alexi Pappas, a professional runner, says that we should follow the rule of thirds, feeling good ⅓ of the time, ok ⅓ of the time, and crappy ⅓ of the time.  In order to get a PhD, build a career, or get into physical shape, we need to be willing to pay the price of up-front suffering.  Being able to handle this adversity unlocks our ability to conquer more difficult challenges and have the patience to see our dreams and ideas through.

Achieving flourishing does not necessarily eliminate suffering from one's life.  In fact, we might be missing out on rich flourishing opportunities by trying to eliminate our suffering. Instead, we could make a healthy place for suffering in our flourishing recipes.  We have to be able to face wholesome suffering and welcome it. We don't want to encourage unnecessary and unprofitable suffering, but if it serves our ultimate well-being, I think we want to say, “bring it on.”

There is no doubt that flourishing can be cultivated without suffering.  But I am also starting to think that there is no doubt suffering plays a critical role in the best recipes.  If suffering does contribute in some way to our resilience, growth, appreciation, motivation, sense of purpose, love, perspective, and patience then I would go as far as to call it indispensable.

Some of the happiest, wisest, most compassionate people I’ve ever met have been through the most unimaginable suffering.  This suffering has clearly not depleted their capacity to flourish but somehow enhanced it.  Through the difficulties, they have gained something tremendously valuable. Jack Kornfield is an example of a man who has endured great difficulties and been “well tenderized” by them.

The relationship between suffering and flourishing is multifaceted. While suffering can be unnecessary and destructive, it can also contribute to personal growth, resilience, and a deeper appreciation for the flourishing in our lives. Ultimately, acknowledging and understanding this relationship and embracing the healthy role suffering can play can facilitate greater growth, meaning, and overall well-being.